4/6/12

i'm frightened of going to sleep.
its 2am. i want to go to bed, and get some sleep.. i do. but i'm scared.
i don't want to spend what seems like months, in loads of different horrible dreams..
but..
i don't want to really be awake either. panicking. about everything.
it reminds me of when i was little and was hallucinating very badly. i would dread nighttime.. and when it came, i would beg dawn to come, so "real life" could start again. but then i was so frightened of the daytime.. because daytime meant school. it meant not having real friends.. the kind that wonder where you are and get worried about you. even as a seven/eight year old.. i craved that. getting bullied.. feeling so lonely.. i never could decide what was worse. real life, or nighttime, and the hallucinations. sleep was probably the only rest i got from it all, seeing as i could lucid dream quite easily when i was so young. but now i don't even have that.
i had my medication today, and realised that i haven't taken it for the last two days.
last night probably wasn't helped by the fact that i bet i had clonaz withdrawal. at least i didn't have an episode quite as horrific as last time i had clonaz withdrawal.. 
when heather, the lovely nursing assistant at woodlands, stayed on shift into the night to look after me.. because i'd covered all the walls on the ward with blood because i couldn't stop myself from hitting the walls. she had to kind of restrain me into my room. and then.. the next thing i remember is being stood on the desk in my room, half laughing, and half crying, panicking because i needed her to stay with me. i felt like if she left then something bad would happen.. i was screaming and screaming for her not to leave me. looking back now, i think it might have something to do with all the repressed emotion i have about never feeling loved. i love her, because that night, she didn't leave me. she spent ages calming me down.. i think she got the doctor there or something, but i don't really remember that bit.. and she put me into bed, and tucked me in like a small child. i think i needed it. i miss her.
last night i was screaming as well.. that it hurt so badly.. my dad doesn't make me feel how heather and kayleigh and some of the other nurses did.. i think maybe because he is my dad. and male.. he doesn't represent the love that i never felt from my mother. but he's always there for me, always ready to give me a hug. and i love him for that.
i keep being on the verge of tears at just the smallest thing.. adverts on tv, even.. stupid things like that.. people raising their voices. i'm so ridiculously unstable right now.
okay.
breathe.
i'm going to have a biscuit, then try and sleep. and i hope, so much, that i don't dream too badly and keep waking up. wish me luck. i'm like a silly frightened toddler. stupid becca. god.


<3