20/5/2013

i threw up quite a lot of what i ate today, so i feel like i've achieved something.
it's pathetic, isn't it? i know. sigh.
you know what hurts more than cutting yourself? putting your cuts in nice warm soapy water. it makes my eyes water.. it's good.
i'm a bit nervous about tomorrow. i'm going to see the macclesfield cmht. i mean, it'll be exactly the same as every other meeting i have with those kinds of people.. they'll ask me all the questions about my risk and what i'm doing with myself during the days etc. and then they'll politely tell me that there's nothing they can do.
i'm just setting myself up to fail by even bothering to go.
even when things are unbelievably beyond hope, i still have a bit of me that desperately wishes that someone will just say, i have an idea!
i am stupid..
anyway i'm going to try and get as much sleep as possible. hmm.

16/5/2013

i remember,
one day dominique came into my room at woodlands, she was trying to get me to have a bath, and i was just  awful at the time, and she just looked at me and asked me what it was like. and you know, it's not often that someone really really wants to know what it's like. i don't just mean like asking how i'm feeling, i mean really wanting to know how it feels. i told her that it hurts a bit like when someone's broken your heart. i said it because a lot of people have been really hurt like that by someone i think. more people than know what bad depression feels like anyway. well, she looked so sad.. she seemed to understand so much after that.
that was a long time ago anyway. but it came into my head just now and i was thinking, how much it means to me when someone asks because they care, when someone really seems to sympathize. and it made me think, does that make me just attention seeking? does it? do i actually have a problem with attention seeking? i don't know. i'm worried about it now, i don't want to be like that. but maybe i don't, maybe it's normal. who knows.
i have an assessment with macclesfield cmht on tuesday, and although i'm worried about new people and hoping they're nice and not awful like josephine was, and worried they'll ask me too difficult questions, it's also kind of nice to know that there might be someone there who wants to know how bad it is, and cares.
i don't mean that i don't already have people who care, because obviously i'm lucky to have my family, but yeah..
anyway i was just thinking about it all.
to be honest, i look forward to the times that i'm not plagued with memories.
i'm sick of memories.

12/5/2013

so i decided today that i'm going to shave part of my head, and get my nose and neck pierced, and finally get a tattoo.
my nana said to me, 'you look so sad today' and i was like MATE FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE, JUST FOR A MOMENT, I FEEL LIKE I HAVE A SMALL PURPOSE. i didn't actually say it though, i just smiled politely.
but you know me,
i'lll probably just wake up and be like, fuck this, i don't care about anything, i'm never leaving the house again.
so we'll just see what happens.
i'm just grateful for having a few minutes where i feel like a normal person, like.. feeling something. wanting something. it's not often i want anything.. i never care enough about anything. it's just stupid, a bunch of piercings and tattoos.. but it's still a nice feeling. a feeling that isn't just sad and nothingness.

1/5/2013

i massively fucked up my mock driving test. i almost crashed into a bike - instant fail. i hit the curb slightly when pulling up - instant fail. and i got nineteen minors. FAIL FAIL FAIL. so that was shit.
it's a good thing there's nothing sweet in the house, because i'm really feeling like binging. i've considered cereal bars. but i'll try and go to sleep instead.
i feel like people are avoiding me and it makes me sad. :(
i mean, i understand that noone wants to talk to someone who's so miserable.. but.. i wish there was something good about me that made me worth talking to. yeah. i wish i could just be an interesting person.
hmmm.
i'm going to ireland the week after next. with my dad. it'll be nice to see him, i miss him. wish i had it in me to actually look forward to going. i don't really remember how it feels to look forward to something. i wonder if that will ever come back to me. sometimes it's the little things like that which leave a big hole.
i don't want tomorrow.

30/4/2013

why does my mum's yoga instructor know there's something wrong with me?
what the hell..
my mind's telling me to creep outside in the middle of the night and hang myself from a tree.
go away. i don't want you. well.. i do.. but i want to be okay. arghh i want to be okay.
i don't want this fight in my head. stop it.
stop it stop it stop it.

29/4/2013

i literally have nothing to write anymore. nothing to rant about.
i'm just waking up each morning and fighting through the day until i can finally go to bed again.
all i want is to just go to bed. all the time.
i just don't care about anything.
life is fucking pointless.
i'm not in one of my raging ohmygod panic modes right now. not at all.
i'm just.. nothing. i just feel like crying but i'm not.
i feel like i'm so pointless that i might just drift away and die in my sleep.
i've been trying to listen to music, but everything sounds shit to me.
what i'd give to have a day where i could enjoy something again.
give me a reason to carry on..

but hey, i bought a costa coffee for a homeless man outside mk train station today.
so there's one moment i deserved to be alive for. suck on that, stupid suicidal brain!

22/4/2013

i actually made a proper decision today not to go to eastbourne. the closer i get, the more i realise i just want to be better instead of having to make these fucked up decisions all the time. besides, i want to be alive to speak to becky to tell her that i'm really sorry for saying that i'm suicidal, whilst asking for help. not the right thing to do. i want to tell her that i'm really embarrassed about it and i hope she doesn't think i'm stupid for it. not that she'll phone me again anyway, she won't want to agree to see me for therapy. she won't want to try and treat someone who just says they're going to kill themselves. so yeah. i fucked that one up, go becca. i think it's probably better that i see someone else anyway. although i probably won't, cause that would require me asking to be able to see someone else, and hey i'm just crap at that.

it's funny how trying to find a reason to be alive, and purposely stopping myself from killing myself, and saying that i want some help to be better etc. doesn't make this completely ridiculous feeling of needing to die right now go away. i've been telling myself all day that i'm doing the right thing, and yet here i am, still thinking that i wish i was able to hang myself properly, instead of fucking it up like i did. i've been trying my best to rationalize keeping myself alive, but at the same time my whole body is shouting at me to do something to end this shit. what is it that i want? why don't i just have a clear cut choice? why isn't this easier? does everyone have this constant battle going on inside them, or are other people just suicidal or not suicidal?

i went to the college today for a meeting with the 'learning support' person. he was very nice, but it was a bit awkward.. he seemed happy that i have some good gcses, and thought it was good that i managed to do them even though i was really bad at the time. but then he asked me what i've been doing in the last three years, so i told him i'd been in hospital. and he immediately said 'oh so you were sectioned.' i was like ..how did you know that.. and then he was like, so were you sectioned for a suicide attempt? erm, is it written all over my face? hmm awkward.. but this must mean that he's seen people before who have been sectioned and stuff but started college there. that's a good sign. he also asked if i self-harm and if i'm 'managing' it. hmmm. all of this while my dad was sitting right there as well. it's a good job he was a nice person or i might have died of embarrassment right there and then.

i can't even imagine being able to cope at college, the way things are at the moment.. i can keep trying to make the decision to be alive, but that doesn't make anything better. it feels like it should though. it requires so much strength, that it sort of feels like you should be getting something out of it, right?

the idea of jumping off a cliff has really made me think about things, but i don't know why..

if someone said to me, if i flip this switch then you can just die instantly, then i'd say yes without question.. but the thought of actually jumping.. that seems too much.. but it's not like it's worse than carrying on feeling like this. i don't know what it is. there's something about it. what is it?

this is something that i would've asked jade. she'd have sat and thought about it with me for a while.

hmm. but it's definitely not the sort of conversation i'd have with nikki.

i wonder what goes through her head? i wish i knew what she thought of me. i often think that, but especially with some people. nikki and becky at the moment. i imagine that becky thinks i'm seriously in 'cry for help' mode. but then, i sort of am, so i can't blame her.. not in the sense that i'm like, an ambulance-chaser though, because i'm definitely not. it's one thing that made me different from most of the kids at woodlands. i don't know, she probably thinks some crap things about me. :( i shouldn't dwell on it too much or i'll just end up upsetting myself.

i feel like lying in bed for a really long time, and not moving. i don't want to get up in the morning and walk the dog. i don't want to go to volunteering. i don't want to go to the stupid dog training class. i just want to stay in bed.

i think i'm going to cry now.

i'm going to go before i start ranting some more about how much i want to die.

no.. part of me wants desperately for things to get better.. that part of me doesn't want to die. that part of me wants some help.. it's too scared to jump off a cliff.. that part of me that agreed to speak to becky.
i'm scared.
i'm scared of going to eastbourne and finding that i can't jump.
i'm fucking scared that i won't get any better.
i'm scared that everything i say and do will embarrass me, so that i'll just end up not speaking at all.
i'm scared that becky is with the people she works with, laughing about what a fucking idiot i am.
I'M SCARED. MAKE ME NOT SCARED.
make things better.
i want someone to just tell me what to do. :'(

FFS WITH FEELING OBLIGED TO KILL MYSELF.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT.
cryyyyyyyyyyy.